there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
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Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.