I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit