waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
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Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big