Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
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My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
me opening up to someone
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
それは草
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.