Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
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The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
sistine chapel
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Sing it!
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir