My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
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CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”