When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
A leaf blower, but for people.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.