I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
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Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato