I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
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My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman