This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
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For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
oh shit
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore