Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
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Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
i can’t wait that long
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography