Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
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Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.