Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
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This is a whole mood;
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future