What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
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1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
This woman is my idol. Free her.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Nice try, NASA
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
My neck my back my allergy attack
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?