At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
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My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
a badder mouse
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot