Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Netflix: We have Less
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE