*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
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My love language is hissing.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Always a housemaid, never a house.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.