the short answer to this question
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I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
OH. COME. ON.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??