Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
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These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
🙁
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count