You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
You Might Also Like
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
What is going on? 😅
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?