It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
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Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”