[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
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Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat