Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
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I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Netflix and you sit over there.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
won’t smith
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement