There is so much going on in this video β¦ I donβt know who to focus on πππ hilarious
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My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? Iβm not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: Iβd love some help
4: youβve got this, Mama
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me, whispering to myself: When itβs time to party, we will always party hard.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I canβt remember which one was which
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit