I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
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Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Worlds greatest photobomb
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife: