Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
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Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.