[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
You Might Also Like
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?