Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
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20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
i’m sure it’s fine
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
my retirement plan is braless
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I WON A HAM TODAY
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey