WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
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*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.