I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
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3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
saw this in a dream
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma