Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
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Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
This fish is cracking me up
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?