“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.