Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
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Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.