Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
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My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”