rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
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Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Me if I was a dog
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi