magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
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As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.