MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
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A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
this is how life feels
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?