Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
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How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Love is in the air fryer.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.