Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
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Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Aaaa…CHOO!
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”