I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
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why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.