No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
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Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!