Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
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I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
My five year plan is a meteorite
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Nice try Hitler
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
My sex drive has a dui
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.