Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
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Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
New menu item
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.