I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
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I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.