First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
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Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel