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Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?