wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I’m confused about plants
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night