I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
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When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
2023 was just a warmup
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword