as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
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Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.