I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
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*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck